The number's been coming back to say hi now and then. It almost seems that every time I take a look at a time piece its been that way. I guess those numbers are showing how precious they are to me at this moment since I never really let it sink in a month ago.

Ah wells. Super excited about tomorrow! Have bad memories of M'sia cos of the car disappearing incident... But oh well time to go for camp. I hope it'll be a time of enjoyment, renewal and new convictions... Filled with the glory and presence of God. Here we go...

I enjoyed the centenary services thoroughly; singing the songs, listening to sermons, watching the anglican church of Singapore in all its splendour. It was a truly splendid event, with so many churches involved.

Personally, I felt it very refreshing to be involved because it was something that only happens once every 100 years, and ushering helped me to smile a lot more than I usually do. Not forgetting all the short periods of time I spent talking to all the different types of people involved, and of course YE as well.

Offering these simple 5 loaves and 2 fishes I had, to serve in ushering was a truly humbling experience. Being able to serve over 10000 people helped me think of how small I was, and how big God is. Serving alongside youth willing to offer up what little they had, no matter how tired they would end up was another thing I felt really happy about.

And the best thing of it all is that I feel that I have gotten closer to all of the YE kids as a whole. I was always wondering why none of them would dare to come up to me to talk about random stuff... And I guess it was because I've always seemed like someone serious to them (and I'm old lol). So this time I've taken the first step and spoken to some of them first, and its paid off in ways that I'm pleased with. I hope in future they aren't afraid to come up to me just to talk about anything they want to. I also hope that I will be able to help them grow in Christ and learn to love Him more and more! =)

The toughest part of growing up is having your dreams shattered. That was one thing I realised today as I was looking at fb statuses. For me it was a very real thing, and it was really painful for me.

In the past when I got emo and sad it usually lasted only a couple of days. But nowadays emo streaks go away less easily. So I, like the rational dude I am, went back through my old posts to see when all the long emo streaks started. And yes, I have found an answer. It all started after the med rejection letter came.

Somehow because of that, I have changed in some ways... The emo thing is one thing. Other ways I've changed include a discovery of how weak I really am, and that has translated into a few bad things. Low self confidence, a wavering trust in my bright future and a creeping doubt that others do not respect me, love me and care for me in their heart like they actually appear to. Its made it more difficult for me to love others than it already is because I'm afraid of finding out what they actually think about me.

At least by reflecting about all this I actually know my problems and know how to solve it. But knowing and doing are two different things. And doing is the tough part.

Well... I guess what I went through is part and parcel of growing up. But part of growing up includes overcoming it as well.

Here's a song that may be familiar to those following One Piece, especially during the days of Kids Central. Its One Piece's 1st ED. A song about the past. The second verse and second pre-chorus really mean a lot to me, now that I know how to read jap and sorta understand the meaning. That part is about having a dream, which eventually no one achieves.

Memories - Maki Otsuki

Verse 1
小さな頃には宝の地図が
chiisana koro ni wa takara no chizu ka
頭の中に浮かんでいて
atama no naka ni ukandeite
いつでも探したキセキの場所を
itsudemo sagashita kiseki no basho o
知らない誰かに負けないよに
shiranai dareka ni makenai youni

Pre-chorus 1
今ではほこりだらけの毎日
ima de wa hokori darake no mainichi
いつの日かすべての
itsu no hi ka subete no
時に身を委せるだけ
toki ni mi o makaseru dake

Chorus 1
もしも世界が変わるのなら
moshi mo sekai ga kawaru no nara
何も知らない頃の私に
nanimo shiranai koro no watashi ni
連れていって　思い出が色あせないように
tsurete itte omoide ga iro asenai youni

Verse 2
小さな頃から歌を唄って
chiisana koro kara uta o utatte
夢見る心あたためてた
yume miru kokoro atatameteta
みんなで真似した秘密のメロディー
minna de maneshita himitsu no merodei
今度は上手に聞こえるように
kondou wa jouzu ni kikoeru youni

Pre-Chorus 2
今ではため息ついてばかりで
ima deha tame iki tsuite bakari de
誰もまだ本当の
dare mo mada hontou no
夢さえつかめないまま
yume sae tsukamenai mama

Chorus 2
もしも時代が戻るのなら
moshimo jidai ga modoru no nara
涙を知った頃の私に
namida o shitta koro no watashi ni
連れていって　せつなさが追いつかないように
tsureteitte setsuna saga oitsukanai youni

For the meaning, search www.gendou.com for the song, and click on the en tab under the lyrics column. Yup.

Ahaha... Didn't think that this was something to laugh about but I've finally realised how low my self-esteem actually was. It just is kinda ironic. Someone with such a great list of abilities, talents like mine shouldn't feel inadequate, but there just is more to life than that right. Its really funny when you think about it. I really wish I could elaborate more but I guess theres no point to it right. Lol.

To tell the truth I already know why I'm not as confident as I should be. But I'd like to buy a cookie for anyone else who knows why I'm feeling this way. So feel free to guess.

Sigh.

Oh oh oh forgot to update about this... I've been really excited about it and finally started to learn a bit of it today.

Sign language! Yeah...

Its the most "logical" language in the world IMO. Before I tell you guys what I've learnt so far let me tell you why I wanted to start learning it. It was sec 4 I believe... The MINDs carnival we had pretty much inspired me cos I was paired up with a deaf/mute kid which was really really cute. He kept moving his hands but I didn't really know what he wanted to tell me until he showed it to me. There was that time he needed to go to the toilet but I had no idea until he dragged me into the washroom lol. Yup so thats the story. Despite me not understanding him he was still pretty happy in the end... But I guess if I'd known sign language he'd be even happier. =)

So now I'm at the basics. Stuff I've learnt:

1. Signing the alphabet
2. Signing numbers including a thousand and a million
3. Signing tenses (-ed, -en, -er, -est, -ness, -s, -y, -ing, -ly)
4. Signing punctuation

Yup! Proud of myself. =))

I was wondering when my yearly sickness would come this year, seeing that I haven't gotten sick for such a long time, and the trend was to have one bout of major flu/cough/fever etc etc every year. Yup it has come, in the form of a 38.6 degree fever plus body aches, which started on saturday afternoon but was gone by today.

Haha this yearly sickness thing brings back memories, especially of the past 2 years.

Last year I had this sickness around april/may during my signals course. It helped me see the good side of a certain sergeant that everyone else seemed to dislike but I empathised with. When I got sick he treated me with a lot of care (maybe cos he knew I wasn't a kengster like some of my plt mates), even getting an ambulance to send me to tengah air base medical centre cos it was quite late at night. It was a real blessing seeing that even in the army such care was even given to a trainee.

Two years ago... Who can forget the string of smses sent by the loving people of 07S03H encouraging me to get better around feb/march when I was down with my bout of yearly sickness for 2007. I was really happy. And I miss them... Where are you guys???

Sometimes people see illness, sickness, no matter life-threatening or not as a curse, an unfortunate thing and something that prevents them from living life to the fullest. Well, its really not all bad, even if you're gonna die in an hours time; there always is a silver lining to that black cloud. It just takes real insight to see through that. =) I'm not saying its easy... But whatever your situation, just live life to your fullest, yeah?

I believe you're my healer
I believe you are all I need
I believe you're my portion
I believe you're more than enough for me
Jesus, you're all I need

Well, yesterday was my ORD date... And the more I think about it the more I do not want to flaunt it. Everybody is going to go through it eventually, and there really is no point announcing it to the whole world. It only helps you yourself feel better, has no effect on those already out of army and makes those who are still in more depressed.

As much as I'd like to write a lengthy post on how its helped me and things like that, I've decided against it. Looking instead at the big picture, its a scintillating story of how God will still be there even when there's a huge desert to be traversed.

On the way you trek across enormous sand dunes, brave the desert storms and withstand the searing heat. On the way you find mysterious caverns worth exploring, you see wildlife you have never come across, you learn to adapt and change. On the way you come across great treasures, an oasis and places of great comfort that you learn to enjoy. The other explorers around me sometimes love the desert, and sometimes hate it, but in the end these explorers become the greatest of friends.

Now that I'm leaving the desert behind me and heading into the towns and cities... There's nothing much about me that's changed. If I had to name one big, obvious way that I've changed is that I have become a seasoned explorer. Put only me on the ocean in a boat, in the deep jungle, on the tops of the snow-capped mountains and I will still survive, because I am still not alone.



Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4

Need I say more? Rawr.

I felt that today was a pretty tiring day, although I did nothing much. Waking up considerably early is one thing. But even more draining is the feeling of nervousness before playing/doing something in front of a large group of people. Felt the same way when preparing the stuff for BB lifeskills camp. =S

One thing that really bugs me is my tendency to expect perfectionism from myself, each and every thing I do. Even when it comes to something simple like playing a song on the piano. I'd talked it over to myself countless times, telling myself that God was in control and that He would help me, but that didn't stop me running through the notes and fingerings again and again in my mind. Practically through most of the service I had this tune stuck in my head.

And that has sort of set the mood for this period where I'm becoming more free (in terms of NS). I'm feeling because of this problem of mine all the things I'm getting involved in will encumber me, make me tire out too easily and worse of all make my journey with Him seem meaningless.

In the past, being involved in all those things didn't make me feel this way because my ownership of those things was sometimes shared. Doing the PA in JPS, RIGE, RJGE, RR, Eden-Sol, and so many more things that I've contributed to are examples of what I've had to share. Perhaps at that point of time maturity to take up real ownership hadn't come just yet. But now when I feel that I'm grabbing a lot of things with my own grown-up hands it makes me see the consequences of just letting go.

BB. YE. MM. I'm beginning to see the big picture. But most of all, it looks more like a battle with myself that I have to overcome, than a battle against anything else. God help me.

***

Its been ages since I've seen how different I am from my peers. I guess recently I've gotten quite a knack for fitting in... But today, it was refreshing for me in a way to see that my own identity is very special. And over and above that, that despite my unique nature I have a great group of friends who still accept me for who I am. =)

I just hope that I didn't come across as too harsh or anything like that when I spoke. =P

We still have a lot of things to discuss I guess. But slowly (and surely) I'm beginning to see the finished puzzle. And it looks good to me!

***

On a side note... Should I go for the special term offered by NUS or not?

Hmm currently enjoying myself, but still got my hands partially full with BB Lifeskills camp stuff, not to mention some errands to run at BBDC. Oh not forgetting the hymn on Sunday and the YE leaders meeting.

Reading through Shaman King manga now to see how different the anime is, and boy is it worlds apart. Other things to pass the time include a facebook game called Mythmonger which is pretty fun, and easy to play in between manga/anime sessions.

Ah thats all for this week. Shiawase!